A WOMAN'S WEEK AT THE GYM
This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine.
Dear Diary,
For my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear)
purchased a week of personal training at the local health
club for me.
Although I am still in great shape since being a
high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it
would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.
I called the club and made my reservations with a
personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a
26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic
clothing and swim wear.
My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to
get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart
my progress.
________________________________
MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of
bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the
health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She is something
of a Greek goddess - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a
dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!
Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines.
I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted
her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!
Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit- ups,
although my gut was already aching from holding it in the
whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC
week!
________________________________
TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made
it out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a
heavy iron bar into the air then she put weights on it! My
legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the
full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all
worthwhile. I feel GREAT! It's a whole new life for me.
_______________________________
WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the
toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back
and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals.
Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop.
I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.
Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my
screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little
too perky for that early in the morning and when she scolds,
she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.
My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so
Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would
anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered
obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get
in shape and enjoy life. She said some other shit too.
______________________________
THURSDAY:
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like
teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a
full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late -
it took me that long to tie my shoes.
Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When
she was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. She sent
another skinny bitch to find me.
Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing
machine -- which I sank.
_______________________________
FRIDAY:
I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being
has ever hated any other human being in the history of the
world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic little cheerleader.
If there was a part of my body I could move without
unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.
Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I
don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents
in the floor, don't hand me the damn barbells or
anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health
and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone
softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?
________________________________
SATURDAY:
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in
her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up
today. Just hearing her voice made me want to smash the
machine with my planner; however, I lacked the strength to
even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
hours of the Weather Channel.
________________________________
SUNDAY:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for
services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is
over. I will also pray that next year my daughter (the
little shit) will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a
root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted
me to bend over , he would have sprinkled the floor with
diamonds!!!
~♥~
3 comments:
HAHA, thanks for the laugh. That was very funny.
LOL!!!!!!!!!!! I read a "version" of this a few years ago but reading it again just made me let out a big ole belly laugh! I did some personal training when I was younger & I bet some of my clients thought that about me!!! HA! Too funny!
OMG...I still hate that little sea-hag that called me out in the middle of step class for not trying hard enough. In front of the whole class she told me I was gonna be fat and out of shape if I didn't try harder. That was in the eighties, she was right,and I still hate her! :-) Same as Jody, this joke makes me laugh out loud in every version I have ever read.
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